The Art of Healing
January 15, 2021
January 15, 2021
Strength & Beauty by Janelle Atencio-McCathron (2020)
Art has been a long, sometimes painful journey for me. I have always loved art. I can't remember a time when I did not love drawing. In kindergarten, my teacher pulled my parents aside and showed them a picture that I had drawn in class. Each student drew people on a rollercoaster but I was the only one who drew the hair going back. My dad asked me how I knew to draw the hair like that and my response was, "Because they are moving." Apparently, kids do not usually draw this detail at that age. I wish that I could say that creating art was all downhill for me from then on out, sadly, it was not.
I have this huge emotional connection to art. It heals me in many ways but it is this huge battle to get into the place mentally and emotionally to actually create something. I have many mental and emotional blocks about my creativity. I am still on my journey to discovering why. I am sure there isn't just one answer.
I believe most of us experience trauma in one way or another at some point in our lives. Ranging from one traumatic event to prolonged exposure to trauma. Recently, I was diagnosed with Complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I had no idea how much this has impacted my life until recently. I wondered how I could be such a kind, sympathetic, strong-willed, and determined person one moment and a rage-filled mad woman ready to burn the world down the next. I couldn't understand why no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't succeed in life. I was holding back so much. I was constantly at war within myself. I had these emotions bubbling over at all times. I was afraid to put myself out there to do anything. I was afraid to go out anywhere alone. I was afraid to work outside of the home. I was afraid to show anyone my art. So I hid. I spent my entire twenties and part of my thirties hiding. I had no friends, I spent most of my time alone. It wasn't until I had my daughter in 2008 that life started to have meaning to me.
CPTSD impacted my art quite a bit. I was afraid my art would somehow expose me and that everyone who knew me would leave. I would be SEEN. Truly "seen" and it terrified me. I have gone sometimes years between painting and drawing. I would try to create something. I'd stare at a blank white piece of paper until I would just pack up all of the supplies in frustration until the next time I tried. I had many unfinished projects. The image I posted above, ("Strength & Beauty") is the first real digital drawing that I have done. I did some digital assignments 6-10 years ago while getting my bachelor's degree in Computer Animation, but those assignments were nothing like what I tried here. Even now, when I look at the finished work I am conflicted. Instead of saying. "Hey Janelle, it's your first real digital drawing... you haven't done it before... you haven't mastered Photoshop. It's good." All that I see are the flaws. The lack of this or that.
While making "Strength & Beauty", I was free and excited. I was processing my growth. I was figuring out how to use Photoshop tools and brushes. I was doing it! Art heals me while I am making it. It's when I am not actively being creative that all of that self-doubt and negative self-talk begins to sink into my mind. This has been my lifelong struggle.
I am determined to not let more years go by without me creating. It may not pay the bills but art is part of me. It feeds me. It heals me. I need it to thrive. That is my goal, to thrive. Maybe it isn't about the finished piece but the journey of making it. That is the part I love the most anyway.
Del Norte, Colorado
2021
2021
Del Norte, Colorado sits where the Rio Grande leaves the San Juan mountains in Southern Colorado in the San Luis Valley. It is approximately 60 miles from the NM border. Many times, people, even those who live in Colorado, have not heard of Del Norte. I must explain that it is a small town near Alamosa or South Fork for people to understand where I am from.
My Great-Grandfather was born here, My Grandfather was born here, my father was born here, and I was born here. Time, a DNA test, and research have allowed me to understand so much more than I originally knew about my family history. My DNA test revealed that I have Ashkenazi Jewish genetic markers. My brother, who loves to research and read told me, years before I took a DNA test, that he believed that we might have Crypto-Jews in our family history. This was an interesting concept because, over the years, family stories ranged from our family being kicked out of Spain for being Pirates, to having connections to a castle with our family name on it. Crypto-Jews were essentially refugees who fled the Spanish Inquisition. To the outside world, they were Catholics but were secretly Jews. This is where some of the secret practices were performed that were not practiced by Catholics. One of the revelations was that of a medical nature. There have been many cancer cases in my hometown area, which have been connected to a genetic mutation that is in the genes of many Hispanic people who are of Crypto-Jewish ancestry. My medical record now lists my Ashkenazi Jewish heritage because of a higher risk for certain cancers. These gems of knowledge have really helped me to realize how limited family history can be. So many treasures and details fade away with each generation. My own child has never been to my hometown. I deeply regret this. I want her to know where her family comes from. Each of us is a special combination of a long line of humans and that is beautiful.
My first 12 years were spent in Del Norte, Colorado. Del Norte is a small town of fewer than 2000 people in just under 1 square mile. The elevation is 7,884 ft; I remember the altitude getting to some of the visitors making them feel ill, as for me, to this day, I feel best at higher altitudes. I have more energy and breathe easier. I have severe asthma and I was amazed at how much easier I was able to breathe when I visit. I wonder if it has something to do with being born here and spending my childhood there. I remember the air being fresh and very cold in the winter, so cold that leaving the warm house would take the breath out of my lungs when the cold air hit my face. In autumn strong winds would come through the valley and beat the backs of our legs with dirt as we turned and covered our faces with our hands to protect ourselves from the wind and dirt.
The Rio Grande River runs through part of the town. As a child, I did not know how amazing it was to have the city park along the beautiful Rio Grande it just was the way it was. When I return, I am amazed at the beauty and the awe of the Colorado blue skies and the running River. Nature is still intact. Deer were in town when I last visited in 2018. When I say IN town I do not mean just passing through town, but living inside the town, in small groups. Laying and grazing in old empty yards. Driving into town, I saw a deer walking calmly down the center of town. It trotted slowly without a care in the world. I could not believe it! My grandma told me on that visit that the sound of children was no longer present like it was in my childhood. The deer were making themselves at home.
One of my great Aunts and 2nd, 3rd, 4th cousins and on remain in my hometown. None of my main extended family remains. My grandfather passed away in September 2001. My grandmother has recently moved to live near some of her children now living in Pueblo, Colorado. All 17 grandchildren have moved out of town or out of the state for more work opportunities. In many ways, all that is left in Del Norte are the images that I have taken while there and my memories. I am currently in the Portland, Oregon area now which is vastly different from Del Norte. I am always going to be a small-town girl at heart. It is still my goal to live in a more rural area on some land I can call my own. I credit Del Norte for much of who I am today. My family history is here, it shaped me, and Del Norte holds a part of my heart forever.